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Friday post: B2B AWESOME!!!

This is a Friday Velocity post. That means all bets are off, and this is totally NSFW. But fuck it. I think it’ll make you feel awesome.

Have you seen that picture of a glass that’s been going around? This one:

awesomist

There needs to be, like, way more awesome in B2B. We could be totally running the show, you know?

I mean, technology is just technology, but we’re after love. The iPhone didn’t cut and paste at all, but who cared, you know? We loved it. Awesome!

When we’re talking about tech stacks and cloud instances, let’s just turn up the volume on that shit. Sure, there’s the “80% more efficiency on your TCO”-talk; Let’s do the “we give you like a billion percent more awesomeness across the board!”-talk! How awesome is that!

You want product benefits? Like reduced maintenance expenses, swifter enablement and better ROI? Hell, our product will give you a longer life, sex appeal like a Cannes starlet, VC stickiness and a Porsche in the drive! Awesome!

Let’s advertise on that sexy little blog that writes about our industry. Let’s invite the blogger for oysters at the top of the Ritz. No, wait, let’s do a microsite with him. Or maybe we could pay him to, like, write on our site. Oh, fuck it, let’s just buy his whole site, then he’s writing for us anyway. Awesome!

Our funnel is, like, totally empty. You know what that means. The world is ours. We can get like 1000% growth with just one new prospect. Let’s make a viral video or something. One of those abandoned shopping cart things. Totally awesome!

No one’s following us on social media. Let’s retweet some shit. Let’s retweet like everything for a week! Let’s get some conversational marketing going. Let’s respond to every mention of us with one word: “You’re awesome!” Wait, that’s two words: Double awesome!

Our case studies are, like, getting totally ignored. No one really cares why a little widget factory in Rochester chose our technology. So let’s do a fictional case study about how Richard Branson put our technology in all his space ships. Let’s make shit up. Maybe Branson will notice and just do it. It’ll be like suggestion. The jedi mind trick! Awesome!

Our website ain’t converting. Let’s slap some site optimization tools on that sucker, pour in some marketing automation, phatten it up with some social media feeds (could we replace the corporate feed with @Beyonce, you think?) and buy a couple gallons of content strategy. Let’s…pimp…it…out! Awesome!

Let’s just sit around and, like, talk about some stuff. Like who’s fun in our industry. And who’s lame. And let’s just record that bad-boy and throw it up on YouTube. Let’s record our CTO’s laugh into a podcast, because he’s got a sick funny laugh. If people start with that, maybe they’ll want to listen to his cloud compression story, too. Awesome!

Let’s disrupt some shit. I mean, none of our competitors are packaging a product that some nobody could start using tomorrow. Let’s do some SAAS infrastructure management product stuff with free sign-up. Like twitter for plant management. Facebook for enterprise security. Wicked awesome!

I’m totally into inventing a new industry! Today we’re doing scalable enterprise-level management tools. Tomorrow we’re doing, like, rainbow-chasing, lean-as-you-like, profit-cocaine-as-a-service enablement! Awesome!

I’ve totally gotten excited about B2B marketing and what we’re doing now. And you’ve read this whole thing. That must have taken you, like, three minutes! That’s awesome! Now go out and do some B2B shit and kill it and feel awesome about yourself! Because B2B should feel good. How about that? ISN’T THAT AWESOME??!!

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4 Responses to “Friday post: B2B AWESOME!!!”

  1. Andrew Vance

    What a cracking post! I’m off do some serious in-memory computing B2B marketing shit for, like, the world awsomest ERP vendor. Get outta my way. Rock on, Velocity!

  2. Ryan Skinner

    Yeah, man! That’s the spirit! Go get all over that ERP beast. Ride it like Puff the Magic Dragon!

  3. Doug Kessler

    You’ve inspired me, Dude.

    I’m not just reading this post and clicking away. I’m gonna lay down a freakin comment. I’m gonna slap in a link to a Viagra Spam tribute:

    http://www.velocitypartners.co.uk/2010/12/20/what-b2b-marketers-can-learn-from-viagra-spam/

    I’m gonna go down the road, knock on the door of our closest competitor and just start pissing on the steps while singing the freakin Marseillaise. And I’ll tweet the whole thing from prison using the hash tag #B2Banalrape. Then start a freakin riot with the Flashmobbit app I’m gonna code in my now voluminous spare time (I already registered the .com and the .tv, dude: get your own ideas).

    I’m getting a tattoo that says B2B Awesome. On my freakin forehead. But it’ll be like backwards so it’ll look right in the mirror (FUCK everybody else — they can get their own fucking mirror). (Just snagged B2Bmirrors.co.uk dude. Gotta be fast to beat this B2B badboy. Fast or Awesome.)

    Or maybe I won’t do any of that shit because when I write it up and stick it on Basecamp, the Sales guys start like spam-bombing me for their freakin data sheets and the CEO decides the logo needs a freakin ‘refresh’. And I’m all like “stick you freakin refresh up you B2B Jacksie (.nl -got it) — I’m changing the whole freakin company name dude: to Shock ‘n Awesome.’. So now I’m in prison AND fired which is AWESOME because the only way to go is freakin UP and it all started with your awesome post, dude. Respect.

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