B2B Work

Velocity acquires Big Red Teapot

B2B-teapot

London-based B2B marketing agency Velocity today announced its acquisition of a new, high-capacity teapot to support its growing team of B2B marketing professionals.  The new teapot, a 10-cup, 3.2 litre Globe from the London Pottery Company will go into service alongside the agency’s previous 1.5 litre facility.

“We’re thrilled with our big, red teapot,” says Lucy Longhurst, agency copywriter, “Its very similar to the last teapot but holds more.” The new teapot will be used for occasions that were previously inadequately supported by the legacy teapot. “The teapot that got us here is still a great teapot”, says Longhurst, “but during peak consumption periods (9-9:30am; 9:45-10:45am; 11:00-3:00pm and 3:30-6:00pm) it failed to adequately enable workforce productivity.  It was resilient but it didn’t scale.”

Managing Director Stan Woods concurs, “In my view, tea should always be made in a pot and this acquisition certainly fits the bill.  It’s red, so we feel it maintains our strategic direction and, since the two-teapot deployment model is service-oriented, we’re actually delivering a new level of Tea Agility™.  Ooh.  I like that.”

Gartner analyst Tibor Toromerde, was first to put the new acquisition into industry context. “Velocity’s B2B tea-making needs have recently increased in inverse proportion to the available deskspace.  We call this the Slope of Obviousness and it’s one of the four key drivers of B2B teapot proliferation. Ooh. I like that.”

The new teapot solution brings added SEO benefits to the digital-obsessed agency.  “The keyphrase ‘B2B Teapot’ is wide open,” says Neil Stoneman, some other guy in the room, “With this single purchase — and it’s attendant press release and Twitter-storm –  we can power to the top of the results pages for what is admittedly a vanishingly small,  almost homeopathic traffic stream.  Over a typical ten years, we ought to see up to two searches going straight to us.”

“In my view, tea should always be made in a pot,” repeats Woods.


8 Responses to “Velocity acquires Big Red Teapot”

  1. John

    “The synergies and economies of scale gained by such an acquisition are a slam (biscuit) dunk,” commented John. “As a Velocity customer this is a win-win situation and I look forward to enjoying the benefits of the Big Red Teapot.”

    “Now stop arsing around and get back to doing some proper work,” he added.

  2. B2Bento

    That’s a real hilarious post, reminded me of 37Signal’s post couple of months back- “37signals is now a $100 billion dollar company, according to a group of investors who have agreed to purchase 0.000000001% of the company in exchange for $1.” (http://bit.ly/TghNO)

    BTW – are you guys going to follow the Bertrand Russell’s Celestial Teapot (google it) framework for your solutions now on for compatibility and better integration? ;-)

  3. Jason

    “Team Topples Too-small Teapot Tyranny

    Declares war on non-teapot-made tea”

    -Dan Daily, New York Times Business News, 2/11/10

  4. Doug Kessler

    B2Bento: Love that 37 Signals post (and the Russell Teapot — nice dodge for tech hyper-claim!).

    Watton: No YOU get back to proper work

    Jason: Anxious Auteur Agonises over Alliteration

    All: Thanks for ‘sharing the joy’ as we pass this important milestone. Next target: a bloody SAMOVAR.

  5. Andrew

    Excellent. I have a green “6-cupper” or “3-mugger” depending on your units. It was purchased from Woolworths weeks before that fine store went under.

    For the longest time, I have tried not to draw attention to it but now I feel able to come out.

    You’ll need a tea cosy – I have one with cats on (pictures of cats that is).

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